A little light of hope

Sunday morning I sat in a sanctuary full of memories.
Friday night I sat in an arena that held my childhood.
I was taken back, and reminded of my life before the struggles. A life when I was carefree and joyful. A life when I didn’t think so much. A life when my family was happy, and the road ahead didn’t look so bleek. It took me back, and made me remember. Made me remember that there was a time of my life that didn’t involve crying myself to sleep, many times in fact, and gave me confidence that those days are coming in the future as well. I was reminded that I do have a life to go back to, a life that I loved; a life that I can work to get back. It was a piece of hope. A reminder that there is another side to this battle, that eventually life will go back. This is just another piece of the puzzle, another Tessera in the mosaic.
As I sat in church this morning I was reminded of another fact.
I have a God.
I have a God who I have left out of the picture for the last two weeks.
I have forgotten to include Him in this process.
I’ve tried to do it all on my own.
I haven’t denied He was real. I haven’t stopped reading His word. I haven’t stopped praising Him.
However, I had forgotten a very important factor.
Potentially the most important factor.
He loves me.
He sees me the same no matter what.
Walking in truth and freedom, brings a smile to His face.
He longs to wipe my tears, and hold my heart.
Somewhere I’d forgotten that. Somewhere I’d let go of that. I’d gotten caught up in making things right, with people, with myself, with life. I forgot the one who really loves me no matter what, not that He existed but I forgot about His love. I forgot how much He longed to have relationship with me. He isn’t just a distance father, He stands right next to me.
Things haven’t been easy, but I’m learning. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of people I care about, a lot of people I love; kept my circle a little closer. I’m not sure if I’ll ever return to the “social butterfly” I once was, but I know that this isn’t forever. I will be the girl that loved life and danced around again. I have however, accepted the fact that it won’t look the same. I won’t do all my things the same way, because my purpose in life will change.
Oh, my mission statement hasn’t changed, nor will it, but the heart behind it and the reason will change.
“I will radiate God’s love to the lost and broken of the world, bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, love to the unloved, and a Father to the fatherless. I will reach out a hand to the lost and broken of the world whom so many have forgotten.”
My heart still resonates in those words…
But I’ve realized that it can’t be about proving myself to people, trying to earn their respect, or trying to get them to like me.
It can’t be about trying to earn my way into the kingdom.
The love of GOD, the love of LIFE, the love of GOD IN ME, has to be what propels me.
Nothing else will make it possible.

He is holding my heart.
He is protecting it.
He has always wanted to… I just had to give it to Him…

My two revelations.
That there is a part of me that loves this, there is a purpose to my life, there is a girl underneath who has joys and enjoys things... I can get her back... I just have to work through some stuff first.
And that God WANTS, is DESPERATE to be there for me.
Put a little at the end of the tunnel for me, the journey doesn't seem so dark, scary, and lonely...

I’m learning a lot. Struggling some. And slowly beginning to recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
Thank you for your prayers.

Depression. The Darkness That Entangles Me and How I'm Getting Free

A week ago I laid on my bed in tears as my mom packed up the essential parts of my dorm room. I ran around saying goodbyes I never wanted to say, and giving hugs I never thought I’d give. I was saying a temporary goodbye to Sterling College, to Kansas, and to the people who had loved me deeply over the last two and a half months. I collected pieces of those closest to me, a bright green cut off shirt, a piece of red ribbon, two stuffed dogs, a stuffed moose, a princess coloring book, and a w shaped pillow; while hanging on to the pieces of two that I already had; that hoodie that I fall asleep in every night, and the picture of one of my best friends in her favorite pair of pants. Now, these things are randomly placed throughout my new and temporary life. The hoodie and cut off shirt are packed in my overnight bag, the stuffed animals lay on my bed, the coloring book is intermingled with my text books for school, the red ribbon is in my hair, and the picture taped right next to my bed for easy viewing pleasure. These are my physically pieces of Kansas, in Austin, Texas. They are just mere reminders of the pieces of my heart that were captured, loved, nurtured, and cherished during my first stint in the windiest place I’ve ever ventured to.
The drive home, all eleven hours of it, was long, and quiet as I thought about what I was leaving behind, and what I was coming back to do. As I drove away from campus, I thought I was out of tears; that I couldn’t and wouldn’t cry again for days; I’d given more goodbye hugs than I could imagine, and seemingly was out of those as well. I didn’t know how wrong I was. Often during that drive something little would happen, I’d take a sip of chocolate milk, wash my hands, or hear those classic “I’m counting on God” lyrics, and tears would fill my swollen eyes. I knew where home was, and it was in the Milo infested town of Sterling, Kansas; the place I was leaving behind.
Over the past week I have had a lot of time to think, think about why I’m in Austin, think about why I consider Sterling home, and think about what going back needs to look like; and for the first time I was thankful to be here. I’m not thankful that I’m missing out on things like the conference cross country meet, evan’s worship, immature days with charity, law and order with carolynn, helping clean somkey’s cage, animal planet, “I didn’t know I was pregnant”, america’s funniest home videos, and even the cramming done on college campuses right before finals; but I am thankful for this opportunity, an opportunity to do healing that I’ve needed to do for years; healing that goes all the way back to the living room floor the day my dad told us my parents were getting divorced.
Six years of pain.
Six years of heartbreak.
Six years of lies and deception.
Six years where I did my best to cover it up, and except for the occasional hiccup, did just that. As desperate as I was, as much misery as I was living in there were places for me to go, people to please, and things to accomplish. If someone noticed how bad things were I did as much as I could to push them away, whatever that meant. If someone called out one of my secrets, I told them strongly that they were wrong, and ran as far in the other direction as possible. I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to see the mess that I’d allowed my life to turn into; yet at the same time was desperate for someone to.
My year at the Honor Academy was the best year of my life, and at times the hardest; much as it should be. I had people pursuing me, loving me, and helping me every step of the way; I also had people calling sin out of my life in ways I had never experienced before. I appreciate those people. I value those people. I love those people. And those people warned me; warned me as I re-entered the real world that it didn’t matter what I knew, but it mattered what I was going to do differently. I didn’t do anything differently. I let the transition rip everything I had learned and done the last twelve months out from under my feet, and fell head first back into the sin and heartache I lived before I took myself to the Honor Academy.
This time however, it was worse, and I couldn’t hide; my attempts to run away only left me more desperate and finally I was put in a position I should have been in years ago. Two weeks ago today I broke a seven plus month span of not cutting myself. It was the worst I’d done in years, but still to me, not “too bad.” This sped up a process that had already begun, the process to have me enter into a place of complete freedom, of total healing. I sat on the couch in Kelli LaRosh’s dorm room; I’d come into her room in the middle of the second transformers movie, slept through much of it and thought I was going to get out of the conversation I knew she’d called me over to have. But I was wrong, and although at the time I hated it, it turned out to be the conversation that potentially saved my life, and not just temporary, not just until the next hiccup, but for the long term. For two hours Kelli reminded me of her story, reminded me that she cared about me, and that I needed more help than I was getting. She talked to me about the option of going to a hospital, and I immediately shut her down. I wasn’t “that bad”, things weren’t “that out of control.” She talked to me until I fell back asleep, I woke an hour or so later, laid on that couch and thought. At seven forty I said a little prayer, got off the couch, climbed the ladder to her bed, placed my hand on her arm and awoke her for the second time that night. She looked at me, and I, using every but of courage I could muster, said the words “I need to go.” She knew what I meant, got up and got ready (faster then I’d ever seen) and began making the phone calls that to me at the time seemed to be the phone calls that would ruin my life.
I spent the next four days in a mental hospital in Newton, Kansas. My mom ended up coming up and staying at a hotel nearby, keeping me company during visiting hours, and holding my hand when I wanted to give up. During those four days, I cried a lot, slept even more, and tried to ignore the truth. I for the first time knew things were “that bad” but didn’t want to admit it. Was going through the motions in the hospital, to get out and go back to my life of pretending. I thought after a short break, I’d be back up to speed, and be ready to pretend again. Kelli visited the night before I was released. She asked me the questions I didn’t want to be asked, and when I began to push her away, tears filled her eyes; my heart broke. I knew she wanted what was best for me.
So four days later, when my mom had been halfway back to Texas before turning around, and I found myself sitting in the dean of students office, the tears that filled my eyes as she told me I’d be going home weren’t tears of anger or frustration, but tears of answered prayers. This was my chance, and as hard as those goodbyes were, I know they needed to happen.
Kansas is home, and shortly I will return there able to enjoy it and the people more then I’ve enjoyed anything for years. But first I must break, truly break in every area of my life. I must relinquish control. I must let go of the defenses and walls I have put up to keep myself from being hurt. I must allow myself to become nothing. So that HE and HE alone can rebuild me. His fingerprints need to be all over my heart, soul, and mind. My heart has been His all this time, and growing closer and closer to Him; but my mind and my soul, they have held onto the past, they have limited me.
My time at home has not been easy. The first few days were just weird, and then I found myself very bitter. I thought about all the reasons why I shouldn’t be home, all the things they took away when they ripped me out of Sterling, and had me venture back to Austin, a place I hadn’t lived long term in for over two years. I complained, a lot, and cried, not quite as much as I did those days in the hospital, but still more then I was used to. I missed Kansas. I had a hard time being alone at nine oh eight every night when my alarm would start going off. Everything made me think of someone, and I longed to sit in Kelli’s dorm and watch the random television shows her and molly switched through every night. I wanted to lay on the floor of carolynn’s room and watch law and order. I wanted to run in the rain with Whitney and Lindsay and laugh while they threw dirty water from puddles on the dirt roads at each other. But one night, as I cried on the phone I realized, no time or distance can separate me from the ones I love the most. They LOVE me, and therefore no matter if I’m just next door, across campus, or in another state will be there for me and support me.
I’ve been blessed:
with an opportunity to get my life back.
With a chance to learn to live again.
With people who saw the need and didn’t let me push away, no matter how hard I tried.
With a support system that doesn’t let miles interfere with our hearts.
And with a God who loves me more then I can comprehend.

This all just seems like a bunch of words, I know. But in reality it is my heart…
I am ready.
Willing.
Hopeful.
Change is in the air and I’m not holding back.
For years I’d been afraid to get this help.
I’d hid my pain because I thought speaking out, admitting how bad things were and getting that help would limit me, would hinder my life.
Now I realize that the opposite was true.
I’ve let my life be limited by my past, and the devil for too long.
It is a process, and not an overnight one.
It will take time.
I cannot do it on my own, but others cannot do it for me.
This is not my battle.
It is the LORDS, I just have to give Him everything.

This is another Tessera, of a different color, but one that has been missing from mosaic for a while now...

I’ll spend the next month and a half at home. Hopefully heading back north around the 29th of December to make some stops along the way before starting classes and track again on the 5th of January. Over that time I will spend my mornings in group and one on one counseling, my afternoons at my sisters elementary school helping out in the k-3 grade classrooms, and my nights at the gym and doing homework. It will be a good life, a healing life… and I will return to campus ready to love, live, and learn more than I have in six years.

And I want to end with just a few pictures, of those people I left behind…

Yes... there is a man of God in my life... His name is Derek and he has blessed me greatly...

Carolynn and I laugh together...
We cry together...
And we live life together...

Kelli LaRosh.
Words can not be said.

The cross country team.
I miss them.

Charity Harmon.
Immature days would not be what they are without you.

Danni and April.
They got me thru.

Monday Muse Vol. 2 Belated

So it’s been a long few days and Monday I did not get around to typing this up… I did however think on it deeply.

Sunday night I heard a song I’ve heard a thousand times, and was reminded of a lesson I feel like I’ve learned over and over again since May.

“The LORD gives and takes away,
Blessed Be HIS Name.”

Job 1:21 b
The LORD gave and the LORD took away,
May the name of the LORD be praised.

I got a picture of an open hand in my mind. Reminding me that I do NOT want anything that that the LORD does not want. My hand must remain open, truly allowing HIM to give AND to take away.
HE Knows my needs, and HE promises to provide.
I must trust HIM with the things He gives me, that HE would know the season they are important. I CAN NOT hold onto anything He does not want me to have any longer…

Monday's Muse Vol. 1

So I find myself tonight, sitting at a little desk in the library, plenty to do, but nothing incredibly pressing. It is a nice feeling. For a reading response in my world lit class I went back two years in Mallory’s blog to find a quote she used, and in the process was reunited with her Monday’s Muse blogs. I was inspired to start my own, inspired to commit to something else on my to-do list, because honestly, I think it would be cool to look back and see what was inspiring me on Monday’s.
That’s what this will be, Monday’s I will sit down and type out a short blog, explaining to you my lastest sense of inspiration, and where it has come from.
Today’s inspiration came last night at Chapel, as we were rediscovering who God REALLY IS, not who we have created Him to be. I caught a glimpse of the Sterling College Stadium and was reminded that my God is a God of the impossible.
By the world’s standards.
I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m not supposed to be able to run cross country.
I am not supposed to be able to experience love.
I probably should not even be alive.

But our God is NOT a GOD of this world.
Our God is a GOD of the impossible.
And because of that…
I am a student athlete at Sterling College.
I am loving deeply, and allowing myself (most of the time) to be loved.
I am experiencing the abundant live Jesus promised to give us.

MY story, is NOT really MY story at all.
It is HIS.
It was created just how it is, to bring HIM glory.
Not a single tear wasted, not a single circumstance forgotten.
My God turns the impossible, into the reality.
This is what is inspiring me right now.

Nothing is Ever Really Impossible

Just under three years ago I lay in a hospital bed in Austin, Texas and was told by my team of neurologists that I would never play competitive basketball again; my dreams of becoming a college athlete lay shattered in pieces at the foot of that hospital bed.

Just over two years ago I was diagnosed with a condition in my left leg that left cross country as “nearly impossible” once again crushing any dreams I had at living the “college athlete” life I had planned on since I could walk.

Yet today, against all odds I finished a college cross country race.

My time was horrible. I am not going to sit here and make it sound like I ran amazing or anything.

But as I stood at the starting line today, and realized that for the first time in three years I was wearing a school uniform, and was about to compete athletically; I realized that for the first time in four years I would hear the gun go off and stride out to start a cross country race, and for the first time ever my parents wouldn’t be there when I finished. Merely minutes before my race started the tears began to fall, the butterflies in my stomach had nothing to do with the race that was just seconds from being underway, but from the SC written across my chest, the fact that finally, today, I was given a chance to prove everyone wrong.

About half way through my run today, I started hearing the voices of my doctors in my head, telling me that I would never, that I could never, that I’d never be healthy enough to… and I started to think they might be right, I started to think I had no business running for Sterling College, my legs got tired, and my breathing became unsteady, the run stopped being fun. I thought about laying in that hospital bed, week after week, the steroid shots, the IVs, the pain medication, the spinal taps, the tests and it just seemed to make sense, that I was absolutely crazy for even trying to run this year.

I came around one of the last corners, saw the hill in front of me and coach yelling, “this is your challenge, conquer this,” and somehow something clicked, and I was mad. How could anyone ever doubt that I would be a college athlete? Not because I am some super natural athlete, trust me, I’m not, but because MY GOD is bigger than MY circumstance. HE is who I run for. HE is who gives me strength, and somehow it all made sense.

So here I am, the girl who watched her college athletic career slip away, over and over again, who fought, and allowed the LORD to fight for her, and finished her first (and certainly not her last) college cross country meet.

It won’t always be easy, I have to relearn how to run in races, and my parents won’t be around to cheer me on at all my meets. My competitive edge is no where near as strong as it used to be, and my body is not in as good of shape, but the fact that ANYONE doubted my GODs power, and the fact that I would fight to do the things I love, makes me mad, mad enough to work harder than I ever have before. It’s only going to get better from here.

Be encouraged my friends, and don’t let ANYONE tell you who you are, or who you can never be, because really that is between you and the LORD.

I want to be living proof of that every day, as I leave it all on the course week after week, sure it’s not the court, it’s not the game I grew up playing, fell in love with, and eventually was forced to retire from, but it’s where the LORD has put me for this season, and HIS servant will bear HIS fruit.

My Vision. My Passion. My Heartbeat

The beginning of this new year, this new tessera, was such a struggle for me… I was lacking the vision and the direction that I was so desperately searching for. I had asked questions at the Honor Academy before I left, pretty much begging someone to give me some sort of “vision” or guidelines for what life was going to look like on the other side of the Garden Valley gates… I got so frustrated because I didn’t get any real answers. But after having been on the “other side” for three weeks, I realize I didn’t get any solid answers because it looks so different for everyone.
I was so frustrated with not having a vision for this year, no one sat me down and was like “this is the core vision, this is what I want you to learn,” no one gave me core values, or told me that this one scripture was what my year was going to grow on, no one sat me down and gave me an aura of the statesman talk, explaining the expectations of me for the year. I knew I needed some kind of vision, so I kept asking people, I asked my RD about her expectations, I asked my new friends about what they wanted the year to look like, but all I got was vague responses, no depth, no specifics. It hit me in that instant that the LORD was the one who needed to give me vision for this year, HE was guiding me, HE got me here, it was time to listen to HIS voice.
So I found myself on my knees – begging the LORD to give me something. During a quiet time He reminded me that He already had. My Honor Academy diploma hangs in my room, my very own mission statement printed right there, for me to read every day. How had I forgotten that? I will radiate God’s love to the lost and the broken of this world, bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, a father to the fatherless, and love to the unloved. Reaching out a hand to the abused and neglected whom so many have forgotten.

This is my passion.
This is my heartbeat.
This is what makes me alive.
Why did I think my time at sterling was going to about anything but this?
He had already given me a vision, it was MY choice whether or not I followed through.

The LORD’s hand was obvious on my heart in the passing moments as I sat and read my mission statement over and over again. He gently reminded me that HE wanted to give me the desires of my heart, even if they don’t come in the packages I expected them to. I want to be a prayer warrior, I want to go to war for my peers, fighting for them in the spiritual realm, and HE wants me to do that. He didn’t bring me to Sterling to steal that opportunity away from me. He brought me here, to experience and live out the vision HE laid on my heart in east texas last fall.
When I got here, and was so desperately searching for vision I had forgotten that. GOD is still the same where ever I am. The things HE whispered in my ear, and the ears of so many in that auditorium night after night are just as true today as they were when we heard them for the first time.
So here I am, a student athlete at Sterling College, with a vision laid on my heart, a vision that when you think about it can be directly applied to life in a college, even a missions college. There are people without hope, there are people without friends, there are people without a love, there are people who don’t understand the FATHER.
This is my mission field.
This is where the LORD has placed me for this Tessera of my life.
This is where my prayers and energy are focused.
Fulfilling God’s purpose for me being here is my NUMBER ONE priority.
And I am constantly reminded that in order to that I have to be ALL about Him, and not about me… It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m not living this life for my glory – this world needs the LORD’s love, and I was created to radiate it to this world.
In order to radiate this LOVE however I must constantly be reminded of HIS love. I must constantly be wrapped in HIS love, because how on earth can I radiate something that I am not living in myself?
Love.
Such a broad topic.
Such a spoken of topic.
Some are sick of hearing it.
So I’m going to live it.

The song that I have claimed as “my song” for this Tessera of my life is below… “The Lost Get Found” Britt Nicole.

Hello my friend
I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes
Then the light that you had in your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain't worth stayin'
You wanna run but you're hesitatin'
I'm talkin' to me

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There's a girl on the streets, she's cryin'
There's a man whose faith is dyin'
Love is calling you

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Why do we go with the flow
Or take an easier road?
Why are we playin' it safe?
Love came to show us the way
Love is a chance we should take
I'm movin' out of the way

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
(Stand out)
Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
(Stand out)
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it


And beyond that song… The Lord has laid a few verses on my heart for this time… verses I plan to live out, to act out, and to live in.

Colossians 3:12-13
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
Luke 8:39
Return home and tell how much God has done for you." So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.

I guess the point of all of this is… The LORD has given us each a vision. And no matter where we are, we are called to live out that vision. HIS word to us does NOT change just because of our location. I am called to radiate God’s love to the lost and broken just as much HERE as I was in Brooklyn, or I would have been had I stayed at the Honor Academy, or ventured to Africa…
This is my calling.
This is my heartbeat.
This is my passion.

There Is No Other Place I'd Rather Be

Ah.
Here I sit in my dorm room in Sterling Kansas, the Honor Academy hymn playing through the headphones that have been my refuge the last few days.
My heart is humbled once again by the will of the LORD.
By HIS grace and HIS mercy.
My life is His, I don’t know why I keep trying to take it back when things get a little scary.

To be honest my walk with the LORD hasn’t been great since I’ve arrived in Kansas. I have been scared to spend time with Him because I didn’t want to be reminded of all the reasons I felt called to this little hick town in Kansas. I wanted to be able to talk myself out of this, talk myself out of living in this dorm, running with this cross country team, and becoming a student at this university. I wanted to run because I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t know what my role was, I didn’t know where I was supposed to fit in, and I didn’t know why I was here.
All I knew was the LORD had closed the other doors, opened this one, and Satan kept tempting me with things that from the outside “looked” better. My heart still longs for Garden Valley, and Brooklyn, it beats for those things, and there is a season for them. Garden Valley has come and gone, and Brooklyn is yet to come.
I was anti-social, and begged my mom to let me just go back to Texas with her, but she didn’t and now merely hours later I’m glad. A good friend reminded me last night that just because something was hard doesn’t mean it’s bad. She gently challenged me to embrace today, embrace where I am, and embrace the people I’m surrounded with, the LORD has a purpose for it.

I sat in the lobby of my dorm on Monday night, dried tears on my cheeks wishing to be anywhere but there, and then in a short time was blessed with the opportunity to share my core’s vision with the fall athletes in the dorm. I was BLESSED, yet as I spoke the vision of Tessera, was forgetting to apply it to my own life.
This is a Tessera. This college. This small hick Kansas town. This cross country team. My precious roommate who has yet to arrive. The girls who line the hallways of this dorm. This is my Tessera. This is the season the LORD has put me in and I want NOTHING but HIS will.
It’s amazing how fast your thoughts get messed up when you stop focusing on the King and the Kingdom. My place in this dorm and on this campus is to be loving, supportive, servant hearted, and a prayer warrior. I KNEW that coming in, but somehow in the last few days became ME focused. I was lonely. I missed the hugs I shared with my roommates. I missed the mini wheat’s with Krystal in the middle of the afternoon. I missed the way you unlocked the door, and where the showers where in the bathroom. It was finally hitting me that I wasn’t going to go back to garden valley in a few days that this little Kansas town with no hills, or red ants, was home.

It’s weird. For the FIRST time since I’ve been here, I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad I’m living in this little room, in this hall, with this RD, this RA, this roommate (who arrives TOMORROW). I’m glad I’m on THIS cross country team, running with these girls, being led by this coach. My heart desires to be nowhere else. It reminds me of a conversation I had on the back porch of Carey back in April, after having been moved to the Global Expeditions Call Center. I pulled out my journal from that night and decided to share a bit of it…

It’s not over yet.
It IS worth it.
No matter the circumstance HE is in control.
I do not have to try to take care of myself – He will.
Relax.
Do not live life based on what you want.
Surrender – Daily.
It’s not a one time decision.
It is a daily one.

“There is NO place I’d rather be.”
That is true for you.

Remember your story.
Remember they are REAL people.
Jesus – this life is SO good.

It’s weird when I wrote those words they meant completely different things than they do today, but they are still such a great reminder.
There really is NO where else I’d rather be than sitting in this tiny Kansas town.
Why the change of heart?
Just twelve hours ago I was trying to convince my mom to take my home with her.
I was reminded of a little nugget today.
“There is no where I’d rather be than in the midst of God’s will.”
I can fight all I want, but being in the midst of God’s will is better than being ANYWHERE else.
I want NOTHING but to serve the LORD, and it would be pretty hard to do if I just gave up on what HE has for me.

Before I got too excited about this I was reminded of something else, something a wise person told me as I was preparing to leave the honor academy… “ Lyssa, it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters what you DO differently.” I could walk away from this bed today, as I go about my dorm, and my practices and KNOW that this is where I was to be, that this is where I’m SUPPOSED to be, but it won’t change anything unless I start acting differently.

Be confident today my friends.
You are walking hand in hand with the LORD.
With HIM on your side, NOTHING will defeat you.

Sterling, Kansas is home.
I am BLESSED to be here.
Blessed to be amidst THIS tessera in life.
One I so greatly look to cherish every second of.